'Now, I'm not going from a to b - rather, I'm zigzagging my way through an endless play of possibilities'

The following is taken from a diary entry I wrote nearly two years ago after just starting testosterone:

I write this after just starting hormones, watching with both fascination and awe as my skin, muscles, hair and flesh metamorphosise after each injection of testosterone. I feel excited but nervous at the unpredictable and uncontrollable nature of this intense emotional, psychological and physical change. I am overwhelmed by feeling my existential reality shift and I acquire a new context for putting this phenomenological experience into perspective. Others mourn for fragments of my former self as I forge ahead, shedding old skin and attempting to fit comfortably in the new skin that grows slowly - a painful but necessary process. This present raw exposure is only made bearable by the sight of old skin peeling away. Residing in the realm of transition I am, at present, without a shell. I grapple with the new as I prise myself from all that I have known - no longer able to cling onto the safety net of my past, female, self. I remind myself of my new way of being (in the world) as my ageless boyishness is challenged. My queerness gets stronger and more playful. In becoming the white boy - my racial privilege becomes more pronounced yet it is transient, in keeping with my journey to manhood.